The idea that a person should first fully heal, and only then enter into a relationship, sounds beautiful. Calm as the plan. First, deal with yourself, get rid of internal conflicts, learn not to depend on others, and only then go in the direction of closeness. However, psychoanalysis, attachment theory, and the practice of psychotherapy itself show a much more complex picture. Man does not develop in a vacuum. Much of what we call trauma is born between people. And much of what we call healing also happens between people.
From the very beginning, psychoanalysis assumed that the human psyche is formed in relationships. We come into the world not as complete individuals, but as beings whose ability to feel alive, whole, and safe comes from the experience of contact with other people. No wonder Winnicott wrote: "There is no such thing as a baby." There is a baby and someone who takes care of it.
That is why many of our internal conflicts remain invisible until someone important appears nearby. A person can consider himself independent, mature and emotionally stable for years. But it is worth falling in love, getting attached or making someone important to you, when suddenly the fear of loss, jealousy, shame, the need to confirm one's worth, difficulties with trust or, on the contrary, the fear of intimacy come to life.
Not because the previous work on myself was in vain. And because some parts of the psyche become available for awareness only in the presence of the Other.
Attachment theory speaks about it in a different language. John Bowlby showed that a sense of security does not come from isolation. It is born from the experience of relationships in which we are seen, heard and supported. We learn to trust ourselves through the experience that someone was once trustworthy enough for us. We learn to regulate our own feelings because someone once helped us cope with them.
However, it would be an oversimplification to say that relationships automatically heal. They can not only heal, but also injure. Can create new injuries or reproduce old ones. The mere fact of proximity does not guarantee development. What matters is the quality of that relationship, the ability of two people to withstand the complexity, frustration, difference, and inevitable conflicts that arise between them.
That is why psychotherapy occupies a special place in the process of psychological changes.
At its core, therapy is also a relationship. Not friendship, not partnership, and not family closeness, but a special type of human connection in which our habitual ways of being around other people gradually begin to manifest. We bring our fears, expectations, need for love, addiction, mistrust, resentments and fantasies into the office. We bring there not only our stories, but also ourselves.
Bion believed that the ability to think about one's own experiences does not arise by itself. First, we need someone who can take our emotions, make sense of them, and return them to us in a form we can live with. This is why the therapeutic relationship can be so transformative. They create an opportunity to experience a new experience of contact where before there was only loneliness, anxiety or protection.
Therapy is a space in which a person can better understand himself and gradually develop the capacity for more lively and mature relationships outside the office.
Maybe the question isn't whether we're healed enough for a relationship. Completely "ready" people probably do not exist. Much more important is whether we are able to stay in touch with ourselves and with others when we inevitably encounter our vulnerabilities.
Maybe maturity isn't about one day feeling completely ready for intimacy. Maybe maturity is to accept that we will reveal a part of ourselves only in the presence of another person. And that some issues of our psyche cannot be solved in advance, because they only arise when we really have someone to lose.